New Office Memo [Humor]

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

READ OFFICE MEMO


In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed on the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Program (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. will seriously have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.).

Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T anymore, as they are full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for a promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P.S.H.I.T).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.)

Thank you,

Boss in General
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)

An Email from a Bomb Victim

I was reading my email, when this one break my heart after reading it...

Good day everyone,

I wish I were writing under different circumstances.

I would like to inform you that my wife Leslie Cruz was part of the casualties in the Glorietta 2 Mall
bombing in Makati City , Philippines . She was supposed to have a minor out patient surgery at Makati Medical Center at 230pm.

I had taken a leave from work to accompany her there. We dropped off our daughter, Amber, at my parents place in QC to baby-sit at around 10am. We then proceeded to Makati and was there at 1230pm. Since she had been fasting in preparation for her procedure, she wanted to move around and listen to some music while I grabbed a bite to eat. We parked at the basement of Park Square 2, and headed for the Glorietta 2 entrance. We parted at the top of the escalator, she turned right towards Filbar's while I went left towards the restaurants. That was the last time I would see her.

Around 120pm, she had called me so that we can meet at the Glorietta 2 exit just in time to make her appointment. As I made my way there from Glorietta 1 through the connecting hallways, and was about to turn the corner, I heard 2 deep thumps and the shock-wave from the blast hit me. At that moment my heart dropped as I knew that the origin of the blast came from the same place where we were supposed to meet. I tried getting to where my wife was, but the dust was too much and it was as if I was staring at a white wall.

I still tried to convince myself that she was able to make it out, and that after ringing her mobile without a response only meant that she dropped it in the confusion. After 6 hours of searching from Makati Med. to Ospital ng Makati , the blast site, and back again to MMC - with the help of all the people I could get hold of, that I was able to get confirmation in what the state of my wife was.

My Dad and Uncle signaled me in from the ER of MMC. My Uncle (who's a doctor) asked me to describe Leslie's appearance to another group of doctors. I saw in the eyes of one that the description made sense. Instead of confirming it to me, they huddled together, then brought me to a small examination room. It was only through a digital camera that I was able to confirm (and deny) that she was indeed gone.

I have so many regrets. I should have met her sooner. I should have ran instead of a brisk walk. I should have not chose to park where I did. I should have braved the dust and went in the blast site. I should have ...

Today's the 4th day. It is still terribly difficult to breathe, let alone wake up realizing that your source of strength, your best friend doesn't lie beside you on your bed. That my deepest worry is when Amber starts asking for her Mama.

I am glad that Amber's too young to understand the loss and pain. In time I would like to tell her the details of how her mother died, but more importantly I would like to raise her as how her mother lived - a loving person, strong willed, decisive, caring, and nurturing. She has always cared for her family and friends, and sacrfied her career for being a full time mom and home maker.

As with all couples we had our ups and downs - none of which I regret not going through. The sweet is never as sweet without the sour. For almost 4 years of marriage, we've finally hit our balance in life only to be taken away in an instant. I have no regrets about our marriage. She has loved me and Amber beyond her capacity. I will always love her.

It is my first time to write to egroup as I've lurked and watched emails being sent to and fro. All I want now is that for each of the couples here is to cherish each moment that we spend with our loved ones. Pretty simple to say, very easy to take for granted.

Thank you all for the prayers. I would still like to ask you to please include Leslie in them until her 40th day so that the path to God's kingdom is well lit and she is no longer in the dark.


Sincerely,

Carlo Cruz

Why Does God Allow Pain & Suffering?

This is one of the best explanations of why God allows pain and suffering that I have seen...

One day, a man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation. They talked about so many things and various subjects. When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said:

"I don't believe that God exists."

"Why do you say that?" asked the customer.

"Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things."

The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop.

Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt. The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber:

"You know what? Barbers do not exist."

"How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber.

"I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!"

"No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside."

"Ah, but barbers DO exist! That's what happens when people do not come to me."

"Exactly!" affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! That's what happens when people do not go to Him and seek for His help. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."

Something To Ponder Upon...

For you who says "I love you" when you have no clue
what love is exactly!!! Something to ponder upon.....


*Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing and is your voice caught within your chest??
-It isn't love, it's LIKE.

*You can't keep your eyes or hands off of me, am I right??
-It isn't love, it's LUST.

*Are you proud, and eager to show me off?
-It isn't love, it's LUCK.

*Do you want me because you know I'm here for you??
-It isn't love, it's LONELINESS.

*Are you here for me because it's what everyone wants??
-It isn't love, it'S LOYALTY.

*Are you here because I kissed you, or held your hand??
-It isn't love, it's LOW CONFIDENCE.

*Do you stay for my confessions of love, because you don't want to hurt me??
-It isn't love, it's PITY.

*Do you belong to me because my sight makes your heart skip a beat??
-It isn't love, it's INFATUATION.

*Do you pardon my faults because you care about me??
-It isn't love, it's FRIENDSHIP.

*Do you tell me every day that I am the only one you think of??
-It isn't love, it's a LIE.

*Are you willing to give all of your favorite things for my sake?
-It isn't love, it's CHARITY.

*Does your heart ache and break when I'm sad?
-Then it's LOVE.

*Do you cry for my pain, even when I'm strong?
-Then it's LOVE.

*Does my eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply it hurts?
-Then it's LOVE.

*Do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close to me and holds you there?
-Then it's LOVE.

*Do you accept my faults because they're a part of who I am?
-Then it's LOVE.

*Are you attracted to others, but stay with me faithfully without regret?
-Then it's LOVE.

*Would you give me your heart, your life, your death?
-Then it's LOVE.

Now, if love is painful, and tortures us so, why do we love?
Why is it all we search for in life? This pain, this agony?
Why is it all we long for?
This torture, this powerful death of self?
Why?
The answer is so simple cause it's...LOVE.
It is such an addictive thing that even people who are not having it wish to experience it and share it with others as well.

The Purpose Driven Life

The following is an excerpt from the best selling book, "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. Read on...

Don't associate with people you can't trust.
Don't cheat. Don't lie. Don't pretend.
Don't dictate because you are smarter.
Don't demand because you are stronger.

Don't hurt your kids because loving them is harder.
Don't sell yourself, your family, or your ideals. Don't stagnate!

Don't regress.
Don't live in the past. Time can't bring anything or anyone back.
Don't put your life on hold for possibly Mr/Mrs Right.
Don't throw your life away on absolutely Mr Wrong because your
biological clock is ticking.

Learn a new skill.
Find a new friend.
Start a new career.
Sometimes, there is no race to be won.
Only a price to be paid for some of life's more hasty decisions.

To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.
To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.
To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy.
Don't bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.

To make yourself happy, pursue your passions and be the best of what you can be.
Simplify your life. Take away the clutter.
Get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends, nasty habits, and dangerous liaisons.
Don't abandon your responsibilities but don't overdose on duty.

Don't live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your family.
Be true to yourself.
Don't commit when you are not ready.
Don't keep others waiting needlessly.

Go on that trip. Don't postpone it.
Say those words. Don't let the moment pass.
Do what you have to, even at society's scorn.

Write poetry.
Love Deeply.
Walk barefoot.
Dance with wild abandon.
Cry at the movies.

Take care of yourself. Don't wait for someone to take care of you.
You light up your life.
You drive yourself to your destination.
No one completes you - except YOU.

It is true that life does not get easier with age.
It only gets more challenging.
Don't be afraid. Don't lose your capacity to love.
Pursue your passions.

Live your dreams.
Don't lose faith in your God.
Don't grow old. Just grow YOU!

When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life
that you'll never get back.

Your time is your life.

That is why the greatest gift you can give someone is your time.

Relationships take time and effort,
and the best way to spell love is T-I-M-E because the essence
of love is not what we think or do or provide for others,
but how much we give of ourselves.

Disorder in the American Courts

These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are things people actually said in Court, word for word, taken down and now published by Court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

----------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Rebooks.

----------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

----------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or 35, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

----------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

----------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

----------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the Bar exam?

----------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 21-year old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's 21.

----------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

----------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh......

----------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

----------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

----------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

----------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a Deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

----------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

----------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, okay?

What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

----------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8.30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on a table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

----------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?

----------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check or a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Humorous Trivia

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

* Hardly seems worth it.

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

* Now that's sounds scary!

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out from the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

* O.M.G.!

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

* In my next life, I want to be a pig. ^_^

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

* Creepy.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

* Sounds like a freakshow

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

* I don't want to be a mantis!

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

* 30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine?

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

* What could be so tasty in the bottom of a pond?

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

* I'm still not over with the pig... quality over quantity ^_^

Butterflies taste with their feet.

* Just imagine if humans do the same and then you accidentally stepped on a shit!

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

* Hmmmmmm........ Really?

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longerthan left-handed people.

* If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

* OK, so that would be a good thing....

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

* I wonder who was paid to figure that out?

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

* I know some people like that.

Starfish have no brains.

* I know some people like that too.

Polar bears are left-handed.

* If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex forpleasure.

* What about the pig??